Why dogs are ruining the world

An argument against K-9s

I recently got a puppy. His name is Knox, he is the best dog I could imagine… and he is in desperate need of a new home.

Am I the only one who’s gone for a walk lately and thought, “Geez, there sure are a lot of dogs”?

Hmm. I haven’t seen a kid for a while. Remember those things? The young humans?

My intuitions about dogs being linked to almost every major issue we are facing currently in society has been sitting on the stove, but now reached its boiling point and boiled over. I once and for all got tired of getting barked at by the small, mangy Chihuahua with boogers in its eyes, so I dove into the data.

And it’s much worse than I thought.

In this essay, I am going to lay out the case that dogs are ruining the world. And it’s not our fluffy friend’s fault.

It’s our fault. And it’s us coping with the real issues we’re all facing.

Dogs are intimately tied to the declining birth rate, the crisis of meaning, the loneliness epidemic, our inability to focus, and our cognitive decline at mass.

More Dogs Than Children

There are more dogs than children in San Francisco.

Yes, the city that the world views as distinctly anti-human has more dogs than humans under 18 living in it. Perhaps a bit alarming?

But this isn’t actually unique to our Silicon Valley dog stroller-pushing AI overlord power couples raking in 7-figures a year. This is a worldwide epidemic.

Over 20 years ago, in 2003, Japan’s number of pets officially outnumbered the children. 20 million pets to 17 million children.

In the US, there are 135 million dogs and cats versus 73 million children. That’s about two pets for every child.

70% of childless millennial women with a pet call their pet their child, unironically.

Basically, anywhere where you see declining birth rates, you see increased pet birth rates. The incessant human need of childbearing that is built into us has not gone away, but has instead been replaced with a flashy career, a breath-work routine, and picking up dog turds.

Dogs Get All The Love

The negative impact from dogs is far more than a coping mechanism, though. It’s genuinely frightening and I have actually never heard it considered. The level of care and attention we give to a dog versus ourselves or our fellow human beings.

The majority of people prioritize spending on their pets over themselves. About a third of pet owners have gone into debt for their dog. Not only are they willing to go into debt, but they already have gone into debt.

People are almost 100% reliable when giving their dogs their medications, but this will never be the case for themselves. You better believe your dog is going to finish those antibiotics, but you probably won’t.

In the last five years, the pet industry has increased from $60 billion to $160 billion.

Your dog’s food has been meticulously researched. It often gets shipped to your front door in a styrofoam ice chest with dry ice in it to ensure its freshness and quality, as you go through the fast food drive-through again to put down another double burger.

Your dog is well-groomed with a bow tie, while you haven’t shaved your neck or gotten rid of that unibrow that you know you have.

The Dog Ate My Consciousness

What frightens me the most is the philosophical angle: the idea of stolen consciousness and constantly being distracted.

We spend all day at a job we hate. After we clock out, our remaining time is spent doomscrolling and taking care of an animal.

There is data that shows millions of people will stay at a job they hate because it lets them keep their dog, or gives some sort of benefit to the dog. They would end a relationship with a romantic partner simply because that person stated their disdain for the dog.

But it is much worse than this…

Here’s the math:

A dog needs 1-2 hours of care per day. Walking, feeding, cleaning, training. Let’s split the difference and call it 90 minutes a day.

90 minutes a day, every day, for a year, is about 550 hours.

Your little fluffy angel is going to live around 12 years.

550 hours a year, times 12 years, is roughly 6,500 hours.

That’s 6,500 hours of your life spent going on distracted walks, picking up crap, scooping food into a bowl, and saying “good boy” as you pet the little monster’s head.

We’ve all heard the idea that it takes about 10,000 hours to master almost anything. A language. An instrument. A craft. Your dog will cost you 6,500. You can learn French. You can learn to play the piano. You can write the book. But instead, you’re choosing to be elite with a lint roller and mastering the art of opening a poop bag. So the choice is yours.

And it isn’t just the hours. It’s the constant ambient distraction. It’s the fact that your lifes whole orbit centers around a dog. Where will you go? How long will you stay? What can you say yes to? Can I go on the trip? You say no to the thing you want because “puppy’s gotta make a poo-poo and go potty”.

Now… if you have life all figured out, and you have perfect relationships, and you have all this extra spare time, then go for it.

But everyone reports the opposite. Nobody has any time for anyone else or anything else.

We don’t have the extra money, but we find it to spend on this dog. We don’t have any extra time to call grandpa, see mom, or check in on a friend. But we have time for an animal.

It’s all a lie, and it’s all cope.

A Cheap Substitute

These dogs are distracting us from the things that are most human, most beautiful, and most important. They are cheap substitutes that we are getting instead.

Your best ideas don’t come on a distracted walk with your dog.

Your best conversations with a friend don’t happen with your dog present.

The little tyrant wants to chase after that bird. Sniff the other dog mom’s puppy’s butthole. Take a pee in an innocent stranger’s yard. And will inevitably have a poo in the middle of a busy intersection, while you are honked and laughed at. Oh, the price we’ll pay for the ones we love.

And I actually don’t care how well-trained your dog is and how good he is on a leash. He’s a distraction.

Your best ideas, your therapy you’re so into and tell everyone about, often happens on a walk alone. Not a half-ass walk with the mangy dog.

“Oh, but my dog helps me not feel so lonely.”

Yes, this is the point. You shouldn’t cope with a dog. You should actually call or text a friend. You should put yourself in an uncomfortable situation and meet that romantic partner.

I agree, you are lonely. And the dog being there, giving you the delusion of not being lonely is not the answer.

Every benefit that you think your dog actually gives you would be better if you actually leaned on a human to reach this benefit, instead of an animal with no ability to reason or relate with any human things.

Bark, Bark

This might be hard to believe, but I genuinely do love dogs. I just don’t see a coherent argument that shows the juice is worth the squeeze.

None of this is accidental or coincidence. It’s a drug to deal with the real underlying issues in our society and how we are relating with each other. The gap is real. The void needs to be filled. And dogs are the ones doing it.

I’m just encouraging you to fill that gap with boldness. With taking on your issues directly and supporting your fellow human above your optional animal friend.

Throw away the leash, pick up the poop for one last time, buy a flip phone, put your shoulders back and your chin up.

Life is happening right now.

Tick, tick, bark, bark.